The Best of Intentions

It was never my plan to have such an extended absense. I'll put more pictures up soon. There are some really great photos with even better memories to go along with them. I need to be sure and write everything down before I forget....but it will have to wait.

Thanksgiving came -- and with it, so did the seventh level of hell, which was delivered compliments of Allan (the "new" dad) himself. This past month, I have missed my dad more than I have since his death three years ago. With the wailing and gnashing of teeth that was the Sunday after Thanksgiving combined with the fact that I don't recall when exactly I spent any time mourning my dad's death, this past month has been difficult. At the very least.

I finally got to talk to Dondi. It's been two years since I've seen him. I never would have thought there could be a time when I would go two years without seeing my own brother. It's not like we're elderly or live on different continents. Still, that is what has happened. At least we got to talk. It was a 30 minute conversation that took place while he drove home after his shift as a newly-assigned policeman, but I was certainly glad we got that time.

Today marks six months. I was fine for the majority of the day, but then evening settled in and things changed. There's a song by The Fray called "How to Save a Life." For some reason, this song reminds me of her. I have no idea why...it just does. And I usually can't keep myself from crying when I hear it. So what did I do? I added it to my Myspace page. I didn't make it my profile music, I just added the video to the bottom of the page under the heading of Heroes where I have Lauren's name listed along with Jon and Sheila and a very few select others. But Jamie, on the other hand, Jamie made it her profile music. Any time I went to her page, it played. And I would cry. Then I would turn off my speakers, but it wouldn't matter. The song was in my head, has been in my head, and will likely stay in my head. Without any conscious effort at all, I envision countless images of dancing and movement and choreography when I hear that song. I told Jamie I wanted to write choreography to it and I wanted it to be Lauren's piece...but I don't even know that I'd be able to listen to it long enough to actually write the routine.

Mamy graduated. Yay, Mamy!! I'm so proud of her. I wasn't able to attend her graduation but I talked to her several times before and after, so I was okay with it. I had to be -- there wasn't any other option. Jamie packed up her dorm room for the semester and moved back home for break. She called me on her way home and was crying. The fall semester is over now. Only one more left for her and then she will be gone, too. Next semester will be so different for her. She'll be on inactive status in her sorority, guard will be finished, and Mr. Christy.....gawd, that's a story for a different post. I can't even begin to get into that one right now, but I will soon.....Very soon. I find it utterly unbelievable that a human may possess that amount of education and exposure to academia and remain as completely oblivious, vacuous, and ineffective as he is. But, like I said, that is a railing I will undertake at a later date.

Right now, it is late and I need sleep. My heart hurts. It is hard for me to understand how emotional heartache can manifest itself in true, physical pain.


For now....