Everybody Else Is Doing It

I haven't posted in so long. I think I may have forgotten how to write.

Well, ladies and gentlemen. I did it. I got a Myspace account. *gasp* I know. The horror. But so far, it hasn't been all bad. For my birthday, I received messages from many a well-wisher that I've not spoken to in years. That was nice. On the other hand (as there always seems to be an "other hand"), I did get a friend request from a young man called "Ash" in Thailand. Being new to the Myspace scene, I found it slightly intriguing that I might be able to develop a friendship with someone on the other side of the planet. So, before I accepted his friend invite, I thought I'd check out his page. I found a wall littered with half-naked, and sometimes fully-naked, women. Ah, not my cup of tea, thank you. As with anything else, Myspace has its pros and cons. I have literally been able to reconnect with friends whom I've not seen in years as well as strike up a couple of very interesting new friendships. Unfortunately, the number of web-cam girls and dirty old men lookin' to "chat" has been none too pleasing. Still, I'd say the opportunity to send and receive comments from my closest friends is worth the irritation of hitting the "deny" button on some of my quite-odd friend requests.

...In other news...

September 17th came, and went. It marked three months since Lauren's death. How completely unbelieveable it is to put that in writing. To my knowledge, there is still no word of autopsy results. Last night, I had dreams about Sheila and their family that bothered me. I called the house tonight, but she was already in bed. Jon said they were all fine but exhausted from their move. That's good. Maybe my dream was more about stuff in my head than anything that is really going on with them.

Jamie and Randy just broke up. Now, for Jamie's senior year of college, she is learning to live without the two people she held most dear. I know that it is a step in the right direction, but she is hurting. And for whatever reason, a nasty breakup is never so far from memory that the pain and hurt felt so long ago cannot be recalled instantaneously. Because of my own run-ins with boyfriend disaster, I was able to tell her what I'd done to recover from the once-devastating demise of a former relationship...a relationship that I now thank God is over. I gave an analogy or two, she said they helped, and then I changed the subject to how many people have thought me to actually be 34--or even older.

I've never been one to worry how old I look since I've never had anyone guess my real age. At 22, I was being mistaken for a sophomore in high school. At 24, I was getting carded for cigarettes. At 28, I was still being carded for alcohol. But somehow my age now seems to have gotten the better of me. Total strangers are guessing I'm anywhere from 34-40. What the...?! I don't even know what has happened. On five different occasions in the past three weeks, it has been clearly stated that I look my age--if not older. Needless to say, this has been somewhat of a blow to my already-agitated ego. Especially considering the birthday-induced depression I went into just weeks ago. Again, what the...?!

I've had some good days. A lot of bad days. I just started a Monday morning Bible study and I decided to ask the group to pray about this grief that has been eating at me. When it was my turn, I couldn't even tell them what was wrong. Through tears I asked them to come back to me at the end. The end came...as did tears..."I have a prayer of the heart"...more tears..."Grief related"...and after a moment or two, I excused myself to the restroom and took care of the mascara that had found its way all over my face.

I've wanted to write, but I've had very little to say that was positive. Good things are happening, slowly, steadily. But my walk without Lauren has proven very tough these past several weeks, ever since I went to Durant. I am rarely able to think of her without crying...even now.

I promise to write more soon. This page is far too important to me. I will not let it seem forgotten. Right now, it's just hard.