An Aside ("DBJR was here")

So, I have several blogs I check on from time to time: Absinthe and Apple Pie in the Lounge, Imperfect Mommy, Dooce, and The Sartorialist are among my favorites. I know none of these people, they do not know me, nor do they know I visit their blogs. I happened upon these blogs by accident and feel fortunate that they found their way to my screen. That being said, I have one blog I adore: "Better Than Everyone", written by Dane Barbados, Jr. His blog is the equivalent of intellectual smut. He spins tales of an over-privileged childhood, of the archetypal wealthy, demanding, and stoic father, of a mysterious and unidentified foreign origin, and chapter upon chapter detailing his raucous times at “University” in Maryland. His work also includes acerbic commentaries on unflattering and disgraceful aspects of American culture including (but not limited to): the confounding phenomenon that is Paris Hilton; the sadly skewed and unattainable view of beauty in American models and actresses; the wanton and despicable way in which American news media report, perpetuate and glorify racism and inequality; the birth announcement of the anti-christ, aka Suri Cruise, Tom and Katie’s baby (one of my personal faves); and movie reviews…lots of movie reviews…yeah, I dunno – but those are good, too. His blog is complete with an exotic pseudonym (“Dane Barbados, Jr.” – pretty glam, eh?) and an obvious lack of personal pictures. Even his profile picture is a pop-art, Warhol/Lichtenstein-esque likeness and his profile material is vague, at best. However, he masterfully incorporates words not likely heard since your high school VD class (that is, Vocabulary Development). Personally, I find this aspect particularly refreshing, as I spend most days inundated with alphabet songs and counting to 100. And anyone who knows me knows I do love a great “college word” whenever possible and when used appropriately. Although his writing is caustic, arrogant, pompous, self-absorbed, hyper-critical, callused, …did I mention “arrogant?” …unrealistic, explicit, and abrasive, there is rarely a time that I finish one of his posts without a broad smile on my face. (...What exactly does that say about me? Should I be concerned? …Some other time.) In short, I found the perfect fantasy blog in “Better Than Everyone”.

After having said all of that, I continue with the actual story. As I said previously, I look in on his posts regularly. I even went so far as to obliterate my comfort zone and leave a comment on his blog. (*gasp* -- I know…) With the nature of his posts, he makes it painfully clear that his feelings do not extend past the length of his arm…and that is on a generous day. So, I felt rather secure in making my comments. He is, after all, largely fantasy... and he is, after all, the DBJR. Therefore, I would have no reason to suspect or believe that I might one day find myself visited by this well-developed figment of an over-active imagination.

…But it happened…

Today, when I looked over my blog…there it was…a comment from Dane Barbados, Jr. I startled. “What the…?! Am I in the right blog? What is this?!” At first, I was stunned and taken aback. Then, for an instant, flattered. However, the flattery quickly gave way to feeling completely weirded out. “Why is Dane Barbados, Jr. reading my blog?! This is my life…my for-real life and feelings. My for-real pictures of me and my for-real friends.” I felt strangely violated and vulnerable. “I do not write for him to read, nor do I invite his loathsome comments or opinions into my personal space.” Ah, but that is, indeed, a falacy. Not to mention, his comment was polite...and even complimentary. And so, being the reasonable and thinking woman that I am, I immediately identified the ridiculous naïveté of it all, and reprimanded myself for my casual idiocy. I am, after all, the one who decided to log my inner-most thoughts and feelings in a completely public forum. ...It was all just so -- unexpected. Much like going to the grocery store and seeing your Ob/Gyn there buying produce. As if my favorite cartoon character crossed the bounds of animation and decided to join me for lunch, unannounced. Just…weird.

No matter. All of this has provided me a much-needed mental reprieve. I was able to preoccupy myself with writing this post, calling Adrianne and telling her about the apparition that visited my blog, and banter between my husband and my roommate about the implications of this portal having been opened. (Like, “Well, should we invite him to dinner? He likes pancakes. Does he work? Do you suppose he’s really an unfortunate-looking soul in desperate need of an outlet? Is any of this really worth the time we’ve already wasted talking about it?")

What I know of DBJR makes me think he is really my brother’s best friend, and my surrogate little brother, Matt, whom I care for dearly and get along with smashingly. Both are 26, both are Taurus, both enjoy reading (esp. Machiavelli), writing, and asserting opinions…and both are dreadfully full of themselves. To that end, I would say, “Matt, you assh***. I thought you were still in Austin. Why the hell are you in Maryland? And why the hell didn’t you tell me you moved?”

I know most of my girlfriends do not have the kind of humor required to endure – I mean, enjoy, DBJR, except for one – Adrianne…and that’s a maybe. Conversely, I know the majority of my guy friends would gleefully resound in one accord, “Hell yeah! Now tha’swut I’m talkin’ bout!”. Except for one – David, my husband, who finds Dane’s verbose writing style tiresome and antiquated. But David spends his days amongst the liberal arts grad students of UMKC. No shortage of mental stimulation there, I’d imagine.

All in all, I'm glad he let me know he was here. (And relieved that he did not come to this place wielding his usual biting vernacular. To this, I breathe a sincere sigh of relief.) This week I have worked continuously to ward off anger and grief, without any real measure of success. A spontaneous visit from my favorite fictional character was just what I needed. Thanks, Dane.

It’s been fun…

katy

P.S. Matt, if this is you, get off your butt and get me a damn birthday card, you wretch. And lemme know how you like Maryland. Miss you!