When I Grow Up

The last few days? Not quite as excited. I wouldn’t necessarily say I’ve “crashed” either, though. So, put to rest those fears about manic-depression and whether or not I missed a dose of my psychoactives. My psych-eval went just fine, thank you. I read over my previous post and I know I sounded like a complete loon…I kinda felt like one, too. I told Sheila that my alternate title for that post would have been “Nurse, She’s Out of Her Room.”

As I said before, good feeling’s gone. Now? Restless. Restless, fidgety, agitated…ready to move on. So many seemingly-achievable goals I had just three months ago have gone by the wayside due to scheduling conflicts, illness, or just the inability to get it all done. I have been relegated to laundry detail and kitchen duty with the occasional bus-stop pick up or grocery outing thrown in for spice…blech, just writing about it makes me throw up a little in my mouth. The recent plans I made will likely never see fruition. On the other hand, there are plenty of great things happening I didn’t plan, but still I cling to whatever vestiges of control I delude myself into believing I have.

I looked at my hands last night. I see age on them. Little scars, less resiliency, my skin seems more transparent. I look at Lydia’s hands and they are plump with youth. Birthdays always seem to have this affect on me. Since the time I was 24, I’ve felt like each and every birthday comes to remind me of all the ways I fell short that year, lest I forget the goals I didn’t accomplish, the time I should have spent better, and the milestones I should have reached that are now nowhere in sight. Then I feel disrespectful and ungrateful for complaining. I do not lament because of self-pity or need for sympathy. I am thankful for my life and I know I am truly blessed. I value the time I’ve been given and strive to spend it well. But, I struggle feeling dissatisfied, confused, and frustrated with the path I am on. Thanks to my uber-critical disposition, I don’t even know if I have it in me to be content with my life on any given day, to just be happy with where I am and what I have now. That is what I want…contentment, peace…that is my goal, and I try in earnest to focus on finding peace for my everyday life. ...Who knows …maybe I did miss a dose or two.

It’s raining and gray and chilly, distant thunder. I turn 34 on Wednesday. This past year was wholly unexpected. I wonder what the future holds. Peace is looking for me...

…I can feel it.