By the by...

Lauren actually used "by the by" in a sentence once and I thought it was great. I even stopped her to ask, "Did you just use 'by the by' in a sentence?" From then on I transplanted it into my vocabulary, and love using it whenever the opportunity presents itself -- which isn't very often. Hmmm...maybe that's precisely why one doesn't hear it much today. Note to self: Incorporate "by the by" as a mainstay of daily polite conversation. As phraseology is concerned, it is undervalued and underestimated. Surely when used in the proper setting and with gracious timing, it will undoubtedly garner stop-short attention from even the most interjection-likely of conversationalists.

***

The other night, Jamie and I were on the phone and I was compelled to tell her I would be more than happy to help her write routines for this fall. (Now, before I ever said anything, I questioned why I would want to make such an offer, especially with me in KC and her in Van Alstyne, TX. I thought it would come across as one of those offers made by a “friend” that the “friend” can comfortably make because he/she knows you will never accept – and you feel comfortable with your overly-enthusiastic acceptance of said offer because you know he/she wasn’t really sincere in the first place... Friend: “You two should just come and stay with us for a weekend at our cabin! It would be such fun!” You: “That would be great! I’ll talk to *insert name of significant other* and we will just plan on it. We can’t wait!” …Sure it was nice of “friend” to offer and you had to accept. But neither of you expect the other to do anything to further the likelihood of the weekend at the cabin. It was a nice enough offer, but, nah… Nevertheless, I felt I needed to extend this invitation of assistance to Jamie.) She responded with unexpected gratitude. I figured she would be glad -- or, at least, pretend to be -- but she sounded so overwhelmingly thankful. Still mindful of the obvious challenges to our situation, I began to understand that my actual help was not the most important part of the offer, rather, that the offer had been made at all.

When Stefanie asked if she should go and help Jamie this fall, I told her to do whatever made her comfortable. But, be careful the music department doesn’t think they got a sponsor for free since they wouldn’t pay for one. No one benefits from services rendered gratis when the skills required for such a task deserve payment in kind. This only perpetuates thoughtless behavior of the would-be employer and results in all involved with the team being thoroughly taken for granted. So, after having given her this particularly prickly advice, which is the same advice I give anyone who bothers to ask, it made my proposal seem that much more curious. With my philosophy firmly in place and the distance issues we were facing, I couldn't help but think there was more involved in this offer than a well-meaning gesture and the lifted spirit of a weary friend. I fell asleep that night with it on my mind. The next morning, I had my answer. It came to me with clarity, before I was even fully conscious. My mind was filled with a memory of my first marching season at Southeastern...10 years ago this September. Adrianne and I were standing on the lawn at Wood Manor, in the middle of the night. We had been at a party and chose instead to grab our flags and head outside. With light from only a lamp post, we stood there and worked on Echano. I knew, at once, what this image meant. It was a snapshot...The feature twirler and the color guard captain, together, writing routines. That was Adrianne and me...It was Jamie and Lauren. ...Now, she is a captain without her writing partner and I have been called to that role once more. That evening when Jamie and I were on the phone--and again the next morning when I woke up, I feel as though I was visited by the spirit of this role and it has returned to my care; as if it knew where to go when Lauren passed...maybe it was Lauren who sent it to me. Although I cannot explain, I have accepted it with a willing heart. ...And so, here we are again, feature twirler and color guard captain, with routines to write for the fall.

Needless to say, there have been numerous conversations about when she could fly up here, or me down there – when and how we could make this work. I am happy to report we have a tentative date penciled in. She’s even said she’ll be asking everyone she knows for $10 to help pay my plane fare. So if you see Jamie coming your way, just give her a ten and know in your heart, it’s for a good cause.

YAY GUARD!! GO GUARD!!

GET FIRED UP!!

I love you guys!

katy

The Lines are Drawn

Last night, it was determined I would not be able to visit Lauren's family after I finish camp at Burk. The original plan was to teach my flag camp at Burkburnett (suburb of Wichita Falls) then go to Plainview and spend time with Sarah and Lauren's parents. Sarah would pick me up Wednesday at the close of camp and we would be on our way. Two whole days of being in the presence of Lauren's family -- I could hardly wait. But it just isn't the right time and I am significantly bummed about that. I know the right time will come, I just wanted it to be now.

So, on our way to Sam Moon, Lauren and I coined the phrase "Laurening around" or any variation thereof. That day, I charged myself with the assignment of having a "Lauren" day. What does that mean precisely? The definition we developed while in the car, lost, but still on our way, went something like this: To Lauren, verb: Having a goal in mind and accomplishing the goal, but embracing and truly experiencing everything that happens along the way; especially pertaining to unexpected events that would otherwise disrupt and/or delay the completion of said goal. In the simplest of terms, having fun every step of the way...no matter what. I was content with that definition. It seemed to sum up everything that was Lauren to me; fun-loving, carefree, and rarely flustered...always taking things in stride. I knew this needed to be a personal goal for me, too. (I struggle frequently with chronic acute "mustbe-incontrol-ofitall-itis".)

I began to feel the urge to Lauren my way through life shortly before David had his gig in Commerce, TX. We weren't sure how anything was going to work out financially, time-wise, or anything. I just knew that it would all be taken care of and I needed to relax. Everything worked out smoothly, of course, and I was grateful and thanked God for the blessings. Then, while still in Durant, Lauren and I decided to go to Sam Moon and my entire schedule cleared almost instantly. David (not having left for Commerce, yet) would watch the kids and everything else fell into place, too. I knew God had ordained this outing to Dallas (yes, I am saying God wanted me to go shopping...sort of). We called at least four other people and invited them, but no one could go. No matter, we knew we were perfectly capable of a fantastic time all on our own. (We even joked about how hard it must be for our friends who had to spend their summer working or in class...How awful!) I confirmed that she knew how to get there and she said she'd already glanced at the map (foreshadowing). Then, without worry or concern, we were off...

In the car, we laughed and talked about everything imaginable, or otherwise. We decided she would have a clothing line called "Lauren Day". It would consist of pieces that had been ripped up and torn apart then resewn and worn in ways they were never intended. I said it would be a fave among the coolest high school kids in town. (~"Hey, mom?! Have you seen my Lauren Day jeans?" the Homecoming Queen yelled over blaring Metallica before heading off to school in her daisy- and heart-embellished Jaguar.~) And while we were in the car that beautiful day, I told her, in a brief moment of depth and soul-baring honesty, she was the best friend I had. The sentiment was sincere and I know she was affected, but neither of us could stand the too gooey, heartfelt mush. As quickly as the moment had appeared, it was giggled away with banter of neither of us being ready for such a committment. (~Lauren: "Whoa...Hold on, there. Ya know, we don't need to go defining anything just yet." Me: "I knew it. I knew once you had my heart you would drop me like a rock. I've seen it too many times!" Lauren: "This is all goin' pretty well without any labels on it. I just don't feel like being pushed into anything right now."~) Despite the comic relief, I was content that she knew how much she meant to me.

The excursion continued with us both believing we should have long since seen Sam Moon. But we decided to try a little further. ...And then, there it was...The mileage sign for Waco.... Maybe, we had gone a bit too far. It was late in the afternoon, we'd clearly missed our destination, we were both hungry, and now we needed to get directions and head back the way we came. Oh look, Jack-in-the-Box...Perfect.

We did finally come to land on Sam Moon and, much to my dismay, didn't really find anything. We went over to Sam Moon Luggage to look for a footlocker-sized duffle back for my roommate, Chris, who needed it for work in Alaska. Jackpot. We found the perfect bag. Now our trek had not been fruitless. That's not to say we found nothing to purchase at Sam Moon for ourselves, just not as much as usual.

The hard part, it would seem, was now over. We knew exactly how to get back to Durant -- 35 to 75, no problem. Yeah...right! When we got to Denton (some 45 miles out of the way) we called Jamie. "Hey, Jamie!" I said laughing hysterically. "Where are you guys?" she asked. "Denton! Because that's how you get from Dallas to Durant...through Denton, right?!" I said, still laughing uncontrollably. "LAUREN'S DRIVING, ISN'T SHE?!" Lauren easily heard Jamie from my headset. We laughed so hard I'm surprised we didn't swerve off the road. An hour and a half later, all was well. We were back in Durant and I had successfully experienced my Lauren day. I didn't fret about all of the time we lost on the road, or the gas that was wasted, or the limited time spent at Sam Moon, or anything...not a worry in the world. All I did was have fun.

I understand now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, all of the time spent in the car that day was given to us by God. We got lost -- twice, even -- because He knew this would be my last opportunity to spend time with her alone. He had set aside these special moments just for us...just for me.

I am now discovering our definition of "Laurening" was flawed. Yes, the general structure of the definition is correct, but there is a much deeper meaning that neither of us identified. To "Lauren" just means to trust in God through every daily action, to believe in Him, and have faith enough to allow Him free reign over all aspects of your life -- without fighting for control every step of the way. That day in the car, we were totally safe and under His wing. He was in complete control and in our hearts, we both knew it. Lauren had given herself to Him wholly, without restraint. She allowed Him to place her where He wanted her, and He worked in her life. I now recognize my urge to spend more time "Laurening" as my heart's desire to have God work in my life. I've been a Christian as long as I can remember, but this is different. It started as a whisper, then became a nudge, and now I feel as though He is tugging at me, willing me to let go of my life and give it to Him. At present, I battle my own resistance as there are daily power struggles between my heart and my mind...It is so against my nature to relinquish control. However, because of my amazing opportunity to see God actively working in Lauren's life, I have a renewed resolve to allow Him governance over my life.


Thank you, God, for Lauren.























I took both of these at Sam Moon Luggage to show Chris, my roommate, the styles of duffle bags he could choose. When I told him I'd be sending over pictures for him to see, he wanted me to make sure there was some way to judge the actual size of the bags. Lauren graciously offered to model and he chose the black one. Ever so cute, indeed!

Several Very Long Days

Had I not been talking to Mamy yesterday, I'm not sure when, or if, I would have even realized. Today, Lauren has been gone one month. One month...? How is that even possible? There is so little that has happened over the last 31 days that makes any sense at all. But being able to define the time she has been gone with our calendar, it just doesn't seem right. I don't go more than a week, 10 days at most, without talking to her. The fact that her physical being has been absent from my life for one month now is near incomprehensible.

David returned from Europe yesterday. I was certainly glad to have him back. I had not even been able to talk to him on Lauren's birthday -- that was tough. I'm just glad I have him here today.

Lauren's mom has been sending pictures of Lauren that she found in her phone, computer, etc. I received one just this morning and it's posted below. ...Today may be harder than I anticipated. Maybe it's because I started thinking about it last night -- or because I've chosen to post during the day rather than later this evening. I don't know...

Last Monday, Lauren's birthday, I talked to Sheila for some time. She had been advised by other well-meaning parents who'd lost children that the days and weeks leading up to the birthday were actually much harder than the day itself. They were all wrong, she said. Yes, the previous days had been hard, but the day of Lauren's birthday was miserable. For me, Sunday the 9th had been my worst post-funeral day. I was completely lost. I couldn't keep it together. It wasn't just thinking about Lauren that upset me, either. My body had slipped, it seemed, into a much deeper sadness that consumed me. There was nothing I could do. Eating dinner with my roommate, I cried. In the car on the way to the mall, I cried. Dressing for church, I cried. I was actually thankful I had someone with me that day. I'm not sure how I would have managed the kids otherwise.

Losing Lauren has been, by far, the most difficult single event I've lived through. I lost my father, which was hard. I lost my grandmother 28 days after my father...that, too, was hard. But this...I feel I've lost an arm or some other highly functional body part. Jamie and I had spoken of this not long after the funeral. We felt as though our right arm (or left, whichever is more important) had been cut off. There was a great deal of pain, shock, we weren't sure how we would continue to function. After some time, the wound would heal and we would learn new ways to get by. But nothing could ever replace the arm...not even some ill-fitting prosthetic we might choose to try later in life, grow weary of, then surely discard to the closet floor. No, nothing could ever replace her and we would be forever left with our own giant scar.

With Sheila's mother, with my father and grandmother, with our loved ones who are ailing -- they are all going through the dying process. They have entered a discernable, distinct phase of life; dying. There are markers and signs all pointing to the inevitable and those signs act as constant reminders to family and friends of what is to come. ...But, Lauren... Lauren was no where near the dying process. In fact, quite the opposite. Spiral notebooks with to-do lists, upcoming dates circled on calendars, both short- and long-term plans made with friends...nothing at all to indicate she could die. Her life was wholly in the process of living. ...and she has now been gone one month.

As with most life-changing events, time has been distorted. The measurements of time never seem accurate when dealing with trauma. I was so surprised yesterday when Mamy said today might be hard. I honestly couldn't figure out why. I knew by the sound of her voice that she was talking about something to do with Lauren...but what? We've had her birthday...and her mother's birthday, and her brother's birthday, and 4th of July -- I'd even gotten through the days she'd already planned to stay with me while David was in Europe. What now? ... It's been a month...? Surely not... Maybe, several very ... long ... days, maybe. But, not a month. I thought to myself, "What is tomorrow's date? That can't be right." It was. A month has passed...not several very long days. 31 days, to be exact...

And, I am still here.

Still breathing, moving...

...living.



I love you, girls.
With love...with hope,

katy

Thinking of you...

The Close of a Chapter

Southeastern OSU Color Guard and Twirler, 2004

In front (seated): Stephanie F., Lauren, Andy
The rest (from left to right): Amy P. (Mamy), Stefanie A.F., Megan, Amy B., Jamie, me, Erin (behind me), Lindsey (in front of me), and Manda

Stefanie A.F. and I were on the phone the other night talking about the funeral and everything that had been going on lately. From there, we began reminiscing about the last few years. ...But before I go on, let me back up...

The Backstory (Nutshell Version)

I came to Southeastern all the way back in 1996 as the newly-crowned Feature Twirler. After having been there about a month, I began taking on some of the duties of Colorguard Sponsor (unofficially). This trend continued and I was asked to become the official sponsor for the 1997 season. That year was -- well, let's just say I'd rather have root canal on every tooth in my head without anesthetic before I would relive that semester. Yes...that bad. It came complete with the guard from hell, the needy, obsessive, weirdo boyfried I couldn't convince myself to dump, the roommate with her very own poltergeist (literally), plus the rigors of being a full-time student, and keeping my own feature twirler skills up to performance level each week. Needless to say, I did not sponsor the subsequent year. Then, life stepped in. I quit school (with 14 hours left to graduate), got married, moved to my hometown of Midland, TX with my new husband and got a jobby job. We played house for a year and then decided it was time to finish what we'd started. We both needed to go back to school and get those bleeping degrees. So, we quit our jobby jobs, made plans to move -- and I got pregnant. (Insert here the next four years of my life that I would like to omit, but for purposes of storytelling, I will give only highlights.) We moved back to Durant, OK and I was again asked to be sponsor. Reluctantly, I accepted.

I re-entered the scene tenatively, but with a plan. The guard was going to be great. I didn't know how long this would take but I knew what I wanted for this organization that had been handed to me. The 2000 season came and went, for the most part, without incident. The captain that year was a major control freak and had her own ideas about making a great guard. My input was not necessary. This worked well for the time being, what with me pregnant and all. 2001, I began to hit my stride and flex my teacher muscles. I had my son and had also gone back to work full-time -- and got pregnant. (Humorous aside: After baby #2 I quit taking the pill and that seemed to fix everything...no more pregnancies!) And so it goes...I got better at my craft and the guard continued to gradually improve. At this point, it looked as though I was destined to become a permanent fixture of the music department. Then, in 2002, it happened. I actively began sculpting the guard into my dream team...and it worked. There were plenty of other contributing factors, too: fantastic incoming talent, girls actually didn't make the team just because they tried out, me not pregnant... That season we were good, really good. The guard was experiencing complete transformation. We were bonding in a whole new way. Everyone got along so well, most of the girls lived with at least one other guard member. We were united...us against them. I became more of a mentor and confidante than sponsor. We were now siblings and I was the eldest. I learned to create a comforable, safe-place for these young women God had given me and it worked wonders for our performances.

In 2003, Lauren auditioned against two other girls and won her place as the new feature twirler. What an improvement she was, and guard just continued getting better, stronger, closer. We even won the "Outstanding Section" award at the band banquet that year...and the band votes to decide that one. What an honor that was. Woo-hoo! It's not like we stuffed the ballot box, either -- there were less than 10 of us. Alas, all good things must come to an end, I guess. Enter 2004...During 2004, I frequently found myself referencing 1997 and honestly trying to decide which was worse. The guard was still awesome -- but something was different with the band. And for you who don't know, if your band doesn't support you...well, root canal anyone? But all of the adversity just brought us closer together. We, in every sense of the word, had become family. That was my last official year. My husband and I had both graduated and we moved to Ardmore, about an hour from Durant. After I left, Mr. Christy (band director) chose not to replace me. So now, for 2005, my girls were left completely alone with no one as their advocate. It showed. There was no decisive leadership at the helm and the team weathered continuous attacks from outside the ranks. Jamie and Lauren stepped up and made every attempt to regain control. But, since neither of them were faculty, their hands were often tied and effectiveness limited. I did what I could with sound advice and words of encouragement from over the phone...a lot, and I did get the chance to make a couple of games. It hurt to see my girls, my family, in so much turmoil, but I was so happy to be there with them when I could.

I thought I had built this empire that was so solid it would surely continue to grow and thrive even in my absence. Well, not exactly. The performances were still good, but the internal strife was deafening. I felt responsible...I wasn't there to protect and guide them, I had let them down. I know now I was too idealistic. My time there had ended and crusading on their behalf was not God's plan for me. By not being there with them on the front lines in the thick of battle, but supporting them from overseas as it were, I came to realize how much those women meant to me. And, we all lived through it, together.

Which brings me back to...

While Stefanie and I were on the phone, she spoke of how she and Lauren had not even been close outside of guard. But after spending 25+ hours per week together, in the scorching heat, in the bitter cold, fighting off bandits and rogues, supporting and loving one another through it all...every one of us was family -- even without a relationship outside of guard. She expressed that she never would have imagined coming to college and being a part of anything so completely awesome. She came to college without expectation and found a family. She left college with great expectations and lost a sister. On both sides of the spectrum, the most unexpected of events came to pass.

My final duty as oldest sibling for this family was at Lauren's funeral. The guard was asked to be honorary pall bearers. We were given corsages for the funeral and walked behind the casket as she was carried to the burial. I knew the pall bearers would place their boutonnieres among the flowers on the casket, but did not know if we would be required to do the same. I asked the funeral director what was expected of us and he let me know it was our decision. I turned and looked at the girls. The temperature that afternoon was at least 80 degrees, but we huddled together as though we were freezing. Everyone had heard his answer. "We need to decide. Now, one decision for all of us." I said. In that moment, we were a team again. One, united. No dissention, no lives of our own outside of this, nothing but sisters leaning together. "I want to keep mine." came one. "Me, too." said another. I looked around at them all. A few nodded. Even at this point of total emotional and physical exhaustion, this family pulled together, as it always had, to present one uncompromised answer, one clear voice. "We will be keeping them." I told him. In that moment, we were a team again...a team, minus one.

I retired my title of "Sponsor" in 2004 and at that time, several of us began moving on. Currently, Stephanie F. and Stefanie A.F. both live in the Dallas area, Mamy is in Durant with her new baby Addison, Amy B. is in Sherman, Lindsey is at Southeastern, but not in guard, and I'm up here in KC. Only two, Jamie and Manda, will even be on the team this '06 season, and the incoming freshman will know nothing of what we had. A common thread throughout all of our conversations is how much we miss those years we were together. I ache for those times. Those years we shared were made just for us... They were not part of an empire I had built, not a product of my efforts, not something I had created...but a gift I had been given. A gift for all of us lucky enough, privileged enough, blessed enough, to have been in the SOSU guard for any part of 2002-2005. How hard it is knowing something like that has truly ended, yet, being so eternally grateful for having experienced it. As difficult as it is to move on, I carry with me so many special memories. These friendships I have now are part of who I am...and I am so thankful.

To my girls, I love you!

Always,

katy

A Better Day

Today I feel as though I've taken the first step on the path of living my life without her. Today was just different somehow. I didn't cry at every thought of her. I even had something resembling peace at times. I'm not sure what it is. I just spent the last three days teaching twirling for six straight hours each day...so it may just be exhaustion. It's like I've been buried in misery...swimming, or drowning, in chaos and pain for three solid weeks. And today, well--I'm just...better. The twirling camp forced me to get out and focus on other things, other people. Now I'm back at home and even though I'm sore and winded, I almost feel like I've had time off. Writing routines, meeting new people, teaching, and being outside my own little universe that is the house, kids, and occasionally Target--all of that seems to have helped move me along a bit. I don't know how long, or even if, this will last. But I've had at least one day now...and that promises to bring more.

When I was younger, I would have these dreams that I was under water. I would always wake suddenly and realize I'd been holding my breath. One of these I remember in particular. I used to be able to hold my breath for two minutes, and I remember what it would feel like afterward. During this dream, I think I had something like an out-of-body experience. I was high above my sleeping body, watching myself sleep. I knew I was asleep and not breathing. When I finally woke, my heart was pounding so hard it hurt and my lungs burned...much more so than any other time I had held my breath. I always wondered how long I'd really gone without breathing that night--and had I started to die? Was that why I had drifted away and seen myself in bed? Probably not...but still, it was not something that had happened before...or since, for that matter.

To try and sum up, I feel as though I've been holding my breath in my sleep this whole time. It is only now, after being made to focus on more than just her, that I've realized it.

I have so much more to write. I will get to it at some point but I think I will refrain from putting any kinds of deadlines or too-strict parameters on when or what order these posts will develop. I told Jamie I hadn't written in a while because I knew what my next post needed to be and I just didn't feel like I could complete it right now. I've come to the conclusion that this blog does not have an outline that must be followed. There are no writing prompts that need to be addressed. I need to write what I feel when I am feeling. It sounds like a no-brainer, but that has been harder for me than one might think. But, I'm working on it and for now, I am satisfied with the progress.

An addition to the "Firsts" list: Lauren had never flown by herself until she came to Kansas City for Spring Break. So, even though I wasn't with her, that was another first that she shared with me. I know that little detail doesn't really fit in anywhere, but I have to write 'em down when I remember them. How strangely exhilarating it is to remember!

It is now almost 3a.m. and I am exhausted, mentally and physically. My children will be up in a few hours. I need sleep.

Will write more soon.

Pleasant dreams...

In Memory

Lauren and I at the Kingsville playoff game, 2004

This blog is dedicated to remembering and celebrating the life of

Lauren Brooke Armstrong

(July 10, 1985-June 17, 2006)

Happy Birthday, Lauren. I miss you more than words could ever express.

Here's to:

SNL skits (the one-legged model, Rick and Caitlin..."You are not mentally prepared for this backflip.") ...
Epsom Sauce ...
Getting lost on the way to Sam Moon (If you hit Waco, you've gone too far.) ...

Getting lost on the way back from Sam Moon (If you hit Denton, you just flat-out went the wrong way.) ...

All of the firsts we had together (Of which, I was able to recall the acai smoothie. One more that I've remembered!) ...

The most valuable life lessons I've ever learned ...

Lauren-ing around, Lauren days, and Lauren-ing my way through life ...

Quitting twirling with a title in hand ...

Wearing hand-me-downs that are a perfect fit ...

Glitter ...

You coloring my hair ...

The pedicure room reserved just for us ...

Spring Break without practicing for contest ...
Good polish ...
Laughing til I cry ...

Saying, "I love you" at the end of every single phone call ...

Six hour conversations (Thank God for free nights and weekends!) ...

Costume designs and business plans ...
The aches and pains of performing ...
The heartache of not performing ...
A nice dinner at Jack-in-the-Box ...
Soul mates ...
Sharing gum ...
Knowing when it's time to go home.

I love you with all my heart and always will.
See you soon,
katy

Last home game, 2005

Back row: Ginger, Manda, Lauren (in my old costume), Jamie
Front row: Lindsey, Andy, Amy B.