The Close of a Chapter

Southeastern OSU Color Guard and Twirler, 2004

In front (seated): Stephanie F., Lauren, Andy
The rest (from left to right): Amy P. (Mamy), Stefanie A.F., Megan, Amy B., Jamie, me, Erin (behind me), Lindsey (in front of me), and Manda

Stefanie A.F. and I were on the phone the other night talking about the funeral and everything that had been going on lately. From there, we began reminiscing about the last few years. ...But before I go on, let me back up...

The Backstory (Nutshell Version)

I came to Southeastern all the way back in 1996 as the newly-crowned Feature Twirler. After having been there about a month, I began taking on some of the duties of Colorguard Sponsor (unofficially). This trend continued and I was asked to become the official sponsor for the 1997 season. That year was -- well, let's just say I'd rather have root canal on every tooth in my head without anesthetic before I would relive that semester. Yes...that bad. It came complete with the guard from hell, the needy, obsessive, weirdo boyfried I couldn't convince myself to dump, the roommate with her very own poltergeist (literally), plus the rigors of being a full-time student, and keeping my own feature twirler skills up to performance level each week. Needless to say, I did not sponsor the subsequent year. Then, life stepped in. I quit school (with 14 hours left to graduate), got married, moved to my hometown of Midland, TX with my new husband and got a jobby job. We played house for a year and then decided it was time to finish what we'd started. We both needed to go back to school and get those bleeping degrees. So, we quit our jobby jobs, made plans to move -- and I got pregnant. (Insert here the next four years of my life that I would like to omit, but for purposes of storytelling, I will give only highlights.) We moved back to Durant, OK and I was again asked to be sponsor. Reluctantly, I accepted.

I re-entered the scene tenatively, but with a plan. The guard was going to be great. I didn't know how long this would take but I knew what I wanted for this organization that had been handed to me. The 2000 season came and went, for the most part, without incident. The captain that year was a major control freak and had her own ideas about making a great guard. My input was not necessary. This worked well for the time being, what with me pregnant and all. 2001, I began to hit my stride and flex my teacher muscles. I had my son and had also gone back to work full-time -- and got pregnant. (Humorous aside: After baby #2 I quit taking the pill and that seemed to fix everything...no more pregnancies!) And so it goes...I got better at my craft and the guard continued to gradually improve. At this point, it looked as though I was destined to become a permanent fixture of the music department. Then, in 2002, it happened. I actively began sculpting the guard into my dream team...and it worked. There were plenty of other contributing factors, too: fantastic incoming talent, girls actually didn't make the team just because they tried out, me not pregnant... That season we were good, really good. The guard was experiencing complete transformation. We were bonding in a whole new way. Everyone got along so well, most of the girls lived with at least one other guard member. We were united...us against them. I became more of a mentor and confidante than sponsor. We were now siblings and I was the eldest. I learned to create a comforable, safe-place for these young women God had given me and it worked wonders for our performances.

In 2003, Lauren auditioned against two other girls and won her place as the new feature twirler. What an improvement she was, and guard just continued getting better, stronger, closer. We even won the "Outstanding Section" award at the band banquet that year...and the band votes to decide that one. What an honor that was. Woo-hoo! It's not like we stuffed the ballot box, either -- there were less than 10 of us. Alas, all good things must come to an end, I guess. Enter 2004...During 2004, I frequently found myself referencing 1997 and honestly trying to decide which was worse. The guard was still awesome -- but something was different with the band. And for you who don't know, if your band doesn't support you...well, root canal anyone? But all of the adversity just brought us closer together. We, in every sense of the word, had become family. That was my last official year. My husband and I had both graduated and we moved to Ardmore, about an hour from Durant. After I left, Mr. Christy (band director) chose not to replace me. So now, for 2005, my girls were left completely alone with no one as their advocate. It showed. There was no decisive leadership at the helm and the team weathered continuous attacks from outside the ranks. Jamie and Lauren stepped up and made every attempt to regain control. But, since neither of them were faculty, their hands were often tied and effectiveness limited. I did what I could with sound advice and words of encouragement from over the phone...a lot, and I did get the chance to make a couple of games. It hurt to see my girls, my family, in so much turmoil, but I was so happy to be there with them when I could.

I thought I had built this empire that was so solid it would surely continue to grow and thrive even in my absence. Well, not exactly. The performances were still good, but the internal strife was deafening. I felt responsible...I wasn't there to protect and guide them, I had let them down. I know now I was too idealistic. My time there had ended and crusading on their behalf was not God's plan for me. By not being there with them on the front lines in the thick of battle, but supporting them from overseas as it were, I came to realize how much those women meant to me. And, we all lived through it, together.

Which brings me back to...

While Stefanie and I were on the phone, she spoke of how she and Lauren had not even been close outside of guard. But after spending 25+ hours per week together, in the scorching heat, in the bitter cold, fighting off bandits and rogues, supporting and loving one another through it all...every one of us was family -- even without a relationship outside of guard. She expressed that she never would have imagined coming to college and being a part of anything so completely awesome. She came to college without expectation and found a family. She left college with great expectations and lost a sister. On both sides of the spectrum, the most unexpected of events came to pass.

My final duty as oldest sibling for this family was at Lauren's funeral. The guard was asked to be honorary pall bearers. We were given corsages for the funeral and walked behind the casket as she was carried to the burial. I knew the pall bearers would place their boutonnieres among the flowers on the casket, but did not know if we would be required to do the same. I asked the funeral director what was expected of us and he let me know it was our decision. I turned and looked at the girls. The temperature that afternoon was at least 80 degrees, but we huddled together as though we were freezing. Everyone had heard his answer. "We need to decide. Now, one decision for all of us." I said. In that moment, we were a team again. One, united. No dissention, no lives of our own outside of this, nothing but sisters leaning together. "I want to keep mine." came one. "Me, too." said another. I looked around at them all. A few nodded. Even at this point of total emotional and physical exhaustion, this family pulled together, as it always had, to present one uncompromised answer, one clear voice. "We will be keeping them." I told him. In that moment, we were a team again...a team, minus one.

I retired my title of "Sponsor" in 2004 and at that time, several of us began moving on. Currently, Stephanie F. and Stefanie A.F. both live in the Dallas area, Mamy is in Durant with her new baby Addison, Amy B. is in Sherman, Lindsey is at Southeastern, but not in guard, and I'm up here in KC. Only two, Jamie and Manda, will even be on the team this '06 season, and the incoming freshman will know nothing of what we had. A common thread throughout all of our conversations is how much we miss those years we were together. I ache for those times. Those years we shared were made just for us... They were not part of an empire I had built, not a product of my efforts, not something I had created...but a gift I had been given. A gift for all of us lucky enough, privileged enough, blessed enough, to have been in the SOSU guard for any part of 2002-2005. How hard it is knowing something like that has truly ended, yet, being so eternally grateful for having experienced it. As difficult as it is to move on, I carry with me so many special memories. These friendships I have now are part of who I am...and I am so thankful.

To my girls, I love you!

Always,

katy