I Never Did Mind About the Little Things

I've never been much of one for making resolutions. I did when I was younger, but they were always too vague or ambitious to ever succeed. I will lose weight. I will get organized. I will stop procrastinating. Well, how will I achieve this? How long will it take? How do I plan to measure my progress? The answers to those parts of the resolutions were never answered. I was doomed to fail before I'd even started. As a result, resolutions have just never been my bag, baby.

But this year, in some way, I think that might not be the case.

As I inventory my life, there are specific and identifiable areas in need of improvement. As well, I have reached a state of mind where I can allow myself room for growth or decline, without guilt for either. (I suffer from a minor case of "fear of success." It doesn't affect me in that many ways. Unfortunately, when it does, it really does. i.e. 14 years to graduate from college. 'nuff said.)

And so, here's the rundown:

1. God help me, I have got to stop fighting within myself. I need peace. I need Lauren-days. I have got to be okay with situations and circumstances beyond my control. When Lauren came up for Spring Break, we were in the car together discussing my stress level and the amount of tension I allow to settle on me. She told me I was going to have to give up control. I had to stop doing battle with all the shit I could do nothing about. This seemed reasonable enough, but the only thing I could think was, "I have no idea how to do that. It is beyond my comprehension. Teach me. Teach me how. I am willing to learn." Then she laughed and said, "You're even trying to control how you release control of things?!" Okay, okay....I get it. "Control freak" was putting it politely. I was, at that point, a full-blown "paranoid delusional control psycho." Hmmmm.....yeah. I'm better than I was, I am. Most of the time, anyway. Okay, some of the time. Every so often, here and there. And that, my friends, must, MUST, MUST change. And now seems just as good a time as any to start.

2. Along the same lines as number one, I want to be happier with David. I want to love him better, more easily. I don't really know how else to explain that. It makes sense to me, though. It's not a matter of loving him more or being more in love with him. It's about....needing him, I think. I often find myself thinking I could do a better job of all this if I were completely on my own. I don't want those thoughts anymore. Whether I could or couldn't is not the point. I just don't want to think like that anymore. And now seems just as good a time as any to start.

3. The dreaded weight loss. Yeah, yeah. But this is different. I want to lose 10 lbs. by January 31st. On that day, I will assess my progress and be pleased no matter the results. Then, pledge to lose five pounds in February. If I only lose two, that's okay. I'll see if I can't lose five more in March, and so on. That way, it's not too much to chew nor will I be flogging myself for poor self-discipline or unsatisfactory performance. I'll just keep trying. That's it. And now seems just as good a time as any to start.

4. Get my shit together. I think that one's fairly self-explanatory. Oh yeah, and now seems just as good.....you get the idea.

*****

December 31st came with a light dusting of snow in the afternoon. It was so beautiful and peaceful and crisp. I got to share that with both children. We watched from the window as quarter-sized flakes powdered the deck. The three of us ooh-ed and ahh-ed at the snow together. It was as if the snow had come to clean away the remains of the year, the finishing touch. A cleansing, calming, near-perfect end to a tumultuous year. As the evening wore on, I talked to Mamy briefly. She had run into our friend, Justin, and he said he will be stationed in Wichita Falls in a matter of months. Mamy mentioned that it was only a three-hour drive to Plainview from there. He said he'd been wanting to head that way and was glad to learn it was a doable day trip. No names were mentioned, no memories brought up, that was it. They said their "glad-to-see-you's" and parted ways. Mamy said that was all she needed, and then she cried. I'm so happy she was one of the last people I talked to in 2006. I also spoke with my roommate and Adrianne. Roommate was in Alaska and Adrianne was asking for recipes for appetizers to take to her church "watch service." And David? He had a gig. New Year's alone.....ahhh, the lamentations of a musician's wife. Besides that, I chatted online to a couple of friends who were in similar situations. With that, 2006 came to an end.

2007. I went into the bedroom of each child, kissed them both, and wished them a Happy New Year while they slept. I don't know that I could have wished for a better beginning to a new year. Around 12:15, my mom called. That's kinda cool, I think. The very first person I spoke to in this new year was my mom. Then Adrianne. Then David. David tried sending me a text at midnight, but for whatever reason, I didn't get it. That's okay. It was a really nice sentiment. The very first day of this year passed without much fanfare. But I did talk to Jamie late tonight....and we cried. Her day had been spent copying old halftime videos of Lauren's performances so she could send them to Jon and Sheila. Jamie said the only two games recorded from last year were Homecoming and the last home game. At Homecoming, I was there, and Lauren wore my old windsuit. At the last home game, I was there, and Lauren wore my old white costume. The two lasting images of her final year of twirling at Southeastern, I was there, and she was wearing something of mine. Jamie said it was like seeing the symbolic representation of the beginning and the end. At the last home game, Lauren was so beautiful. I did her hair and makeup before the game that day and, at one point, she looked at me and I gasped. She was ethereal and angelic. I wanted to stop and just stare, I even teared up. I told her this was how I would do her makeup on her wedding day. She had so much light behind her eyes....she was breathtaking. Everyone complimented her that day. People even told Mr. Christy how beautiful she looked. She was shining, glowing, radiant. Light reflected off her and shone out from inside her. .....Jamie and I, together, ended the first day of 2007 with memories of Lauren.

Adrianne told me that the watch service sermon was short and sweet. Like, less than 15 minutes long. Very short and sweet. The sum up was, "2006 is over. So, forget about it...whatever it is that bothered you 5-10 minutes ago, now it is time to forget about it." She said that, of course, the entire congregation broke into rounds of their best Sopranos accents, "Fuggettuboutit." For one moment, this made complete sense to me and I was entirely prepared to internalize that message for myself. Then, I thought about everything that was 2006. There were too many things I was unwilling to just "fuggettubout." Sure, I don't feel quite as determined to rail David H. Christy, Director of Bands at Southeastern Oklahoma State University for now. I have a peaceful heart at the moment. I don't want to start the new year wasting my time on matters of such unimport. I have not the time nor the patience to dwell on these inconsiderations. I'm not saying he won't get his turn. I'm just saying it won't be today, it may not even be tomorrow or the next day, either. As for everything else, all that was 2006, my life during those 365 days....It seems to have gone by so fast -- but I have so many, many memories, images, and feelings from that year. Beauty, dispair, anguish, peace, heartache, joy and every other conceivable emotion, they are all there, page by page, picture by picture, memory by memory. Full of the highest highs and lowest lows, I know no other words to describe it. Maybe this is a new year, but it is still a part of the same lifetime.

*****

The night before last I was watching Oxygen or WE or Lifetime, something like that, and subjecting myself to lethal doses of estrogen. Somewhere in the middle of this estro-fest I started watching the reality game show Dirty Dancing. Now, I'm not exactly sure what the real object of the game is, but somehow these girls with no formal dance training compete for the attention of trained male dancers and then all of the teams face off to see which couple most accurately captures the essence of the movie plot line...............or something? I honestly don't know. Anyway, they interviewed one of the girls and asked her how she felt about her chances of landing the gig with her Russian ballroom guy. She replied with all the usual "I'll do my best" blah, blah, blah. But then she said something that pierced me:

"Faith and fear cannot live in the same heart. And I have faith."

What? What did she just say?


Oh my gawd. I .....

I .....understand. I get it.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

And so, for what ever reason, this random, fluffy female had just become the Yoda to my Skywalker. In that instant, I knew what she said was true.....and I needed to hear it.

I Googled the phrase to see if she'd simply been quoting a line of poetry or lyrics from some emo anthem I didn't know. Nothing convincing came back. It seems she may have come up with it all on her own. Bully for her, indeed. And for me as well. Indeed.

What does all this mean? I haven't a clue. Maybe it's that I will remember the good and forget the bad. I will do my best and will refrain from eating myself alive. I will try not to lose sight of what's most important. It's okay to not be angry. It's okay to really just not let it bother me -- whatever "it" may be. It's okay to grow and thrive. It's also okay to fail and start over. It's okay that I'm still hurting from Thanksgiving and I might be holding a grudge. I'll work to overcome that. And it will be okay if it takes a while. It's okay to love my man with everything I have, even when I don't want to. That's okay, too. ....But no matter what this year holds, or how many new years come and go, I will always have Lauren with me, and I love that it is so.

I feel good knowing faith and fear do not live in the same heart. That is my resolution.