A Better Day

Today I feel as though I've taken the first step on the path of living my life without her. Today was just different somehow. I didn't cry at every thought of her. I even had something resembling peace at times. I'm not sure what it is. I just spent the last three days teaching twirling for six straight hours each day...so it may just be exhaustion. It's like I've been buried in misery...swimming, or drowning, in chaos and pain for three solid weeks. And today, well--I'm just...better. The twirling camp forced me to get out and focus on other things, other people. Now I'm back at home and even though I'm sore and winded, I almost feel like I've had time off. Writing routines, meeting new people, teaching, and being outside my own little universe that is the house, kids, and occasionally Target--all of that seems to have helped move me along a bit. I don't know how long, or even if, this will last. But I've had at least one day now...and that promises to bring more.

When I was younger, I would have these dreams that I was under water. I would always wake suddenly and realize I'd been holding my breath. One of these I remember in particular. I used to be able to hold my breath for two minutes, and I remember what it would feel like afterward. During this dream, I think I had something like an out-of-body experience. I was high above my sleeping body, watching myself sleep. I knew I was asleep and not breathing. When I finally woke, my heart was pounding so hard it hurt and my lungs burned...much more so than any other time I had held my breath. I always wondered how long I'd really gone without breathing that night--and had I started to die? Was that why I had drifted away and seen myself in bed? Probably not...but still, it was not something that had happened before...or since, for that matter.

To try and sum up, I feel as though I've been holding my breath in my sleep this whole time. It is only now, after being made to focus on more than just her, that I've realized it.

I have so much more to write. I will get to it at some point but I think I will refrain from putting any kinds of deadlines or too-strict parameters on when or what order these posts will develop. I told Jamie I hadn't written in a while because I knew what my next post needed to be and I just didn't feel like I could complete it right now. I've come to the conclusion that this blog does not have an outline that must be followed. There are no writing prompts that need to be addressed. I need to write what I feel when I am feeling. It sounds like a no-brainer, but that has been harder for me than one might think. But, I'm working on it and for now, I am satisfied with the progress.

An addition to the "Firsts" list: Lauren had never flown by herself until she came to Kansas City for Spring Break. So, even though I wasn't with her, that was another first that she shared with me. I know that little detail doesn't really fit in anywhere, but I have to write 'em down when I remember them. How strangely exhilarating it is to remember!

It is now almost 3a.m. and I am exhausted, mentally and physically. My children will be up in a few hours. I need sleep.

Will write more soon.

Pleasant dreams...