Shalom

Tonight, as I prepare for my garage sale, my blog will be observing the sabbath--even if I am not. I promise to return to my usual dissertations within the next few days. Pray that everything I have out there sells tomorrow...Mamma needs a new pair of shoes -- and Daddy needs $600 for Europe. ; )

I will leave for tonight simply with Shalom. (Now for a short lesson from your friendly neighborhood Jewish girlfriend.) Shalom literally translated means "nothing missing, nothing broken" which, rephrased means "peace."

So, nuthin' missin', nuthin' broked, y'all!
Love ya!

Be of Good Courage

To: Mamy, Jamie, Manda, Stefanie, Stephanie, Lindsey, Sarah and Daniel

From: Katy

I LOVE YOU!

THANK YOU!

I LOVE YOU!

THANK YOU!

Everyone helped his neighbor,

And said to his brother,

"Be of good courage!"

-- Isaiah 41:6

Lions, Tigers, and Fears

So, I've always been a bit prone to anxiety, depression, and uncontrollable worry. This morning, I was assaulted by it. As I'm waking, I instantly begin to worry about David's upcoming trip to Europe and whether or not we will even have money for him to eat while he's there. Right after Isaiah was born and while David was in China, I went to Midland to spend time with my mom. She and I sat in the rocking chairs and we both felt Isaiah's life would be difficult, sometime around the age of 10, 11, or 12. Maybe it wouldn't be anything devastating, but something that would make his childhood significantly harder than the childhoods of either David or me...just some sense that his young life would include events no mother would ever wish for her child to go through. And then there are these fears I have about dying early. I'm afraid that I won't live to be the ripe old 87 or so that I've been shooting for. I wonder if I'll make it past 40...and if so, will I make it past 45? 50? And how old will I have to be before I can release this fear? And if you do the math, Isaiah will be 10 turning 11 when I'm 40. Will my death be the cause of his hardship? I always encourage Isaiah and Lydia to take care of each other...I guess it's because I'm secretly afraid they will have to some day soon. I've always thought Isaiah would have to watch out for Lydia. And I see so much of Lauren in her...so carefree, bouncy, beautiful to be around. What if Lydia dies young? Or Isaiah for that matter? How could I possibly live through that? Sheila said that even if she'd known all along that she would be going through this pain from Lauren's death, she would absolutely choose to do it all again. I know I would feel the same, too. But how can I keep these fears at bay? David tells me that this is all a reaction from Lauren's passing. I talked with him briefly about this near-paralyzing fear of tragedy. He tried to encourage me with all the things a husband is supposed to say...he did his best. But this is one time I really need Lauren to talk me through it.

I told Sheila last night that I would sometimes feel guilty for the time I spent in Lauren's counsel. Surely the roles should be reversed and I should not be hanging on this 20 year old's every word. She confessed that she, too, sought Lauren's guidance more often than not. She and I spoke for over an hour and a half. As nice as it was to visit with her, it was also hard. I got Sarah's number and left her a voice mail today. I mentioned how much I'd been leaning on Jamie and Amy P. throughout all of this and asked if Sarah had someone really close to confide in. Sheila said Lauren was Sarah's closest girlfriend, Sarah's only girlfriend. Lauren and Sarah were really tight, too. Close in age and so well-bonded to one another. I cannot imagine the lonliness Sarah must be feeling.

I know my anxieties and depression are not of God. He does not place these concerns on me. I feel this way because of weakness and distance from Him. Once while I was fasting, I accidentally took a sip of Isaiah's Icee without thinking. I told Lauren how bad I felt that I had ruined my fast because of carelessness. She told me completing the fast was important, but even more importantly, I should recognize my humanity, forgive myself, ask God's forgiveness and commit to doing better the next time. How eye-opening that was...Like I was allowed, and even encouraged, to make mistakes--as long as I was accountable for them and learned from them. Success did not necessarily mean 24 hours without eating...As long as the process brought me closer and made me more dependant on God, then I had grown.

For Sarah, for me, for anyone:

"May the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way."
2 Thessalonians 3:16


Peace be with you...

The Wisdom of Her Parents

"I cannot assign evil to a holy God. Lauren was stolen from us, but because of her contract with God, she is now in His care."

-- Sheila, Lauren's mom, said this to me the night of the funeral and again this evening while I was on the phone with her. Lauren was stolen...but is now with God. I don't yet know if I find this explanation helpful or upsetting. I realize she is with God, and yes, that is comforting. But to think of her as having been stolen--? Right now, that makes me angry. For me, I have to believe, and do believe, that God had a divine plan for Lauren's life. And although I may not understand why she has passed, I know she allowed God to work in her life and use her as a witness for His glory. And that is settling ...

It is late now. So much more to say, and I will get to it all...eventually. Sheila did say she is interested in the autopsy results now. Immediately after the funeral, she did not care either way, since nothing would make any difference or bring Lauren back. But now she, like so many of us, wants to know, "What happened?!"

Today has been fair. I can't get Lauren out of my head. She's in my dreams, but nothing tangible. And she's in my wake time...still, nothing tangible. I've come close to calling Lydia Lauren four different times now. I'm ready for my brain to take a vacation. Perhaps instead of all the girls getting tatoos, we can go in for lobotomies?! Do they give temporary lobotomies like they do temporary tatoos? Should look on ebay for that tomorrow...will keep you updated.

Until tomorrow,

Pleasant, peaceful dreams...

A Daughter Named Elijah

This morning I woke without anguish. That is not to say I'm my usual self today...but I am functional, and I'll take that.

There are so many things I've had trouble remembering. I just hope with time and rest (and the memories of my friends) I will be able to recall more of the little things that elude me now. For instance, Lauren and I had a running "list of firsts"; all the things that she did for the first time while with me. Now I know we had more than one (not a great list when there's only one item). But as luck, fate, stupidity would have it, the only "first" that comes to mind happened while she spent Spring Break '06 with us in KC. It was like this...No one wanted to go to the store for supper items so we worked only with what we had on hand...breakfast stuff. A breakfast for supper was not completely foreign to any of us and I knew the kids would eat well. I scrambled eggs, David got drinks, Chris set the table, and Lauren was in charge of pancakes. How much fun all of that was. Everyone bustling in the kitchen together. There was so much laughter and everything smelled awesome. The kids were bouncing around and excited...a really warm memory. Then Chris began giving Lauren a hard time about her too-brown pancakes. Of course, I said they looked great (really wishing they weren't quite so brown) and she said they were pretty good for her first time. "What?! You've never made pancakes?!" A unanimous decision followed: these pancakes were divine.

That was practically our whole spring break. Just having fun in each other's company. I initially felt bad that I didn't take her out to "do" Kansas City. She insisted staying home relaxing was exactly what she needed...and we did have such a great time. I put her bed in the family room (which became known as "Lauren's room" to my kids, even three weeks after she had left). One morning, I came downstairs and climbed in bed with her. She turned on the TV and there we stayed. Around three in the afternoon, we looked at each other and asked, "Should we get dressed? It is 3p.m." "Nah...we'd just have to put our pajamas back on in a few hours." ...Oh, I could always breathe around her. The contentment and peace I felt in her presence was unmatched by any other friend in recent years. Adrianne is the only one who could come even close and I've not seen her since her wedding.

The last time all the girls went out together was at La Mesa in Sherman, TX. As time had passed and girls graduated, we all moved in separate directions. So, for all of us to meet in one location, for one evening...this was huge. The conversation turned, as it usually does with a group of childless young women, to future baby names. Lauren wanted a daughter named Elijah...but I can't remeber her son's name. Maybe soon it will come to me...I'm hoping. How surreal it was for the same group of girls (with one or two exceptions) to all be together again, only for Lauren's funeral barely four weeks later.

Well, I need to go. So much more to say, but children beckon. So far, this seems to be helping. Will write more soon.

Peaceful day...


"Girls' Night Out"

This picture was taken at La Mesa in Sherman. The hostess (who was none too happy about being demoted to photographer) took this pic. I asked if she could take one more because I thought my arm looked too big--and it never hurts to have an extra picture taken.















From left, back row: Me (in glasses), Lauren, Amy P.
Front row: Lindsey, Amy B., Stefanie AF., and Stephanie F.
Not pictured: Jamie (she had homework).

"Girls' Night Out, Too"

Back row: Stephanie F., Me, Amy P., Stefanie AF. Front row: Lindsey, Lauren, Amy B.

So this is the second picture we took. Yeah, take a look at Stefanie. I showed my husband this picture and he said, "That's a pretty riduculous face she is making. I'm not even sure how she got her face to do that." The reason? Everyone opted to change sides for the second picture and during the re-arrange, Stef kept getting bumped further and further over til she was exactly where she started. In what was probably not her best decision of the evening, she chose to "ruin" the picture since she hadn't made it to the other side. When I saw the preview on the camera, I told everyone we needed another do-over. The hostess had already scurried off and Lauren, who was half-way out the door, tossed a comment over her shoulder saying, "We're just gonna have to Photoshop her in."

Forgive me, Stefanie...I love this shot. It makes me laugh everytime I see it. ...Still friends?

God Bless the Child

It has been 10 days since she and I last spoke. It doesn't seem that long. I've been confused and sad, but not yet angry. Jamie said she has had anger...but not me, not yet. Still, I'm mostly stunned and aching...sometimes there's nausea, and a lot of random memory loss. Anyone who's been around me during the last week has seen it in full force. That part is as strangely funny as it is sad.

It is so hard to imagine never hearing from her again. Last night I told Jamie I feel as though fantastic blessings will come from this tragedy...that God will work in incredible ways to lift up Lauren's family and friends and comfort them. Today, I do not feel the same. I know God is blessing us continuously and I have been certain to count my blessings. I just don't have the same sense of, well... hope, or anticipation, that I had yesterday. In fact, I find myself wondering (dreading) if this isn't just the beginning of a long and bumpy way ahead.

I just spoke to Amy. We are both keenly aware of who matters now in our lives, and who does not. People I had missed in the past now don't seem nearly as important. But others, some of whom I'd not spoken with in years, are now very dear to me. And even if I do not stay in constant contact with them, they are infinitely more precious to me than some I once considered close.

I've started this blog for several reasons. One, in hopes of dealing with this loss in a healthy and effective manner. Two, Lauren had one, and although I draw the line at filthy feet, there are many other ways I would like emulating her. And three, well...it just seemed like the right time. Ideally, I will soon post pictures and updates. But my goal, for once, is not perfection...just something resembling peaceful sincerity.

I need to go now. I'll write soon. I've taken this first step and I am pleased. When you pray, remember families who have lost a child.

Soon...