God Bless the Child

It has been 10 days since she and I last spoke. It doesn't seem that long. I've been confused and sad, but not yet angry. Jamie said she has had anger...but not me, not yet. Still, I'm mostly stunned and aching...sometimes there's nausea, and a lot of random memory loss. Anyone who's been around me during the last week has seen it in full force. That part is as strangely funny as it is sad.

It is so hard to imagine never hearing from her again. Last night I told Jamie I feel as though fantastic blessings will come from this tragedy...that God will work in incredible ways to lift up Lauren's family and friends and comfort them. Today, I do not feel the same. I know God is blessing us continuously and I have been certain to count my blessings. I just don't have the same sense of, well... hope, or anticipation, that I had yesterday. In fact, I find myself wondering (dreading) if this isn't just the beginning of a long and bumpy way ahead.

I just spoke to Amy. We are both keenly aware of who matters now in our lives, and who does not. People I had missed in the past now don't seem nearly as important. But others, some of whom I'd not spoken with in years, are now very dear to me. And even if I do not stay in constant contact with them, they are infinitely more precious to me than some I once considered close.

I've started this blog for several reasons. One, in hopes of dealing with this loss in a healthy and effective manner. Two, Lauren had one, and although I draw the line at filthy feet, there are many other ways I would like emulating her. And three, well...it just seemed like the right time. Ideally, I will soon post pictures and updates. But my goal, for once, is not perfection...just something resembling peaceful sincerity.

I need to go now. I'll write soon. I've taken this first step and I am pleased. When you pray, remember families who have lost a child.

Soon...