Lions, Tigers, and Fears

So, I've always been a bit prone to anxiety, depression, and uncontrollable worry. This morning, I was assaulted by it. As I'm waking, I instantly begin to worry about David's upcoming trip to Europe and whether or not we will even have money for him to eat while he's there. Right after Isaiah was born and while David was in China, I went to Midland to spend time with my mom. She and I sat in the rocking chairs and we both felt Isaiah's life would be difficult, sometime around the age of 10, 11, or 12. Maybe it wouldn't be anything devastating, but something that would make his childhood significantly harder than the childhoods of either David or me...just some sense that his young life would include events no mother would ever wish for her child to go through. And then there are these fears I have about dying early. I'm afraid that I won't live to be the ripe old 87 or so that I've been shooting for. I wonder if I'll make it past 40...and if so, will I make it past 45? 50? And how old will I have to be before I can release this fear? And if you do the math, Isaiah will be 10 turning 11 when I'm 40. Will my death be the cause of his hardship? I always encourage Isaiah and Lydia to take care of each other...I guess it's because I'm secretly afraid they will have to some day soon. I've always thought Isaiah would have to watch out for Lydia. And I see so much of Lauren in her...so carefree, bouncy, beautiful to be around. What if Lydia dies young? Or Isaiah for that matter? How could I possibly live through that? Sheila said that even if she'd known all along that she would be going through this pain from Lauren's death, she would absolutely choose to do it all again. I know I would feel the same, too. But how can I keep these fears at bay? David tells me that this is all a reaction from Lauren's passing. I talked with him briefly about this near-paralyzing fear of tragedy. He tried to encourage me with all the things a husband is supposed to say...he did his best. But this is one time I really need Lauren to talk me through it.

I told Sheila last night that I would sometimes feel guilty for the time I spent in Lauren's counsel. Surely the roles should be reversed and I should not be hanging on this 20 year old's every word. She confessed that she, too, sought Lauren's guidance more often than not. She and I spoke for over an hour and a half. As nice as it was to visit with her, it was also hard. I got Sarah's number and left her a voice mail today. I mentioned how much I'd been leaning on Jamie and Amy P. throughout all of this and asked if Sarah had someone really close to confide in. Sheila said Lauren was Sarah's closest girlfriend, Sarah's only girlfriend. Lauren and Sarah were really tight, too. Close in age and so well-bonded to one another. I cannot imagine the lonliness Sarah must be feeling.

I know my anxieties and depression are not of God. He does not place these concerns on me. I feel this way because of weakness and distance from Him. Once while I was fasting, I accidentally took a sip of Isaiah's Icee without thinking. I told Lauren how bad I felt that I had ruined my fast because of carelessness. She told me completing the fast was important, but even more importantly, I should recognize my humanity, forgive myself, ask God's forgiveness and commit to doing better the next time. How eye-opening that was...Like I was allowed, and even encouraged, to make mistakes--as long as I was accountable for them and learned from them. Success did not necessarily mean 24 hours without eating...As long as the process brought me closer and made me more dependant on God, then I had grown.

For Sarah, for me, for anyone:

"May the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way."
2 Thessalonians 3:16


Peace be with you...